Profiles in Douche Baggery: Zane Lamprey

    I submit that Zane Lamprey is a douche bag. He is the 'host' of a show called Three Sheets on a TV network I've never heard of. The premise of the show is pretty simple: Douche bag host visits a random country and gets drunk, ostensibly to learn about the local drinking customs. Sounds like fun right? Well, in practice it is akin to looking at someone else's vacation photos. In order to spice things up a bit the producers found themselves a host that is such a douche bag there is seldom a dull moment. That is not to say the show is enjoyable... mostly its painfully embarrassing. There must be a fair number of people that enjoy watching a thirty year old frat bag drink himself into exotic hangovers in far away lands, because the show is just starting to air it's third season.

What the hell kind of name is Zane Lamprey anyway?

    The producers of Three Sheets must have been ecstatic to learn Zane Lamprey was available to host their show. Finally, they could stop hounding Dane Cook's agent. After all, it isn't every day that the former 'host' of Girls Gone Wild Games and Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, Anything Goes! has an opening in his schedule. I only know he was in these because I checked his Wikipedia and IMDB pages to see if Zane is his real name. I thought he looked familiar while watching Three Sheets and once I read his IMDB credits I realized he was the loser friend of Joe Francis in all of those horrible late night Girls Gone Wild commercials. It makes perfects sense now... Anyways, indeed his real name is (as far as I can tell) Zane Lamprey. Which would be a bitchin' name, if he weren't every stereotype that comes to mind when you hear that name. Maybe it was one of those self fulfilling prophecies where you name your kid something like President Chester A. Badass and somehow they grow up to be a bad ass. I dunno.

American Douche Bag in Paris

    On paper the synopses sound cool. Drink champagne in Champagne, France. Drink tequila in Tequila, Mexico. Visit Oktoberfest in Munich. There are near endless possibilities really. The show doesn't have to be a travel format with museums and galleries, if you're looking for that go watch Rick Steves on PBS. The core of the show is the drinking culture around these icons. The twist to the show is that the network isn't sending a classically trained chef or wine connoisseur abroad, instead they are sending a belching, chugging, loud and rude American. Remember Insomniac with Dave Attell? Well, it's sorta like that except in a foreign setting. Kinda like that time Dave Attell went to Amsterdam and London.

Believe it or not, the show has a basic format.

1. Intro
2. Brief history of country and this week's drink(ie two sentences maybe)
3. Zane drinks said drink until drunk
4. Zane tries out the local hang over cure

    A common thread throughout each segment is where Zane acts like a jackass. Such as when he insists that his French host slam a glass of Cristal despite being told it would be sacrilegious. Or, while at a rum tasting at a fancy plantation in Jamaica when he makes a fool out of himself by chugging the samples and then proceeds to the distillery's bar where he claims he can mix a better drink than the bartender. It is here that Zane takes the most expensive rum they produce and dumps it into a mixed fruit punch cocktail in an oversized martini glass with a wedge of watermelon in it. All of this happens as the distillery's guide objects, basically saying it's a sacrilege... this is a reoccurring theme by the way.

    Another thing that keeps popping up is the inside joke Zane Lamprey seems to have with the crew where he mentions his friend Steve Mackenna, who I have no doubt is just as much of a douche bag as Zane. Each episode Zane will make a reference to his buddy Steve being a lush and ask the natives if they know Steve... This is what passes for television.

What the hell kind of name is Mojo anyway?

    While the host is the worst part of Three Sheets, the rest of the crew is also to blame. Specifically, the sound editor. This guy should be shot, in the face. Anyone who thinks its a good idea to dub in cartoon chugging sounds has got to be at least legally retarded, if not worse. I shit you not, any time a person on camera drinks, eats or touches glasses together during a toast there is a stock sound effect overdubbed. It's pathetic.

    Three Sheets airs on Mojo, which I assume is a TV network... I'd never heard of it. I found this program by happenstance on Hulu.com. I've watched each episode online in a fit of sadomasochistic rage, waiting eagerly for the moment when one of the well meaning foreigners points out how much of douche bag Zane Lamprey is.

Zane Lamprey is no Tony Bourdain

    My accomplishment of watching the whole series is bitter sweet. Obviously I've finished the series and will never have to watch it again, except for the new episodes that are starting later this month. I have no doubt that I will be drawn back in to the series as it continues. I'm hoping, almost assuredly in vain, for a Three Sheets and No Reservations cross over episode. One where Anthony Bourdain points out how much of a loser Zane Lamprey is to his face, kinda like an intervention. The unfortunate thing about douche bags is that they have no shame. If you don't believe me just stay up past 2 am and watch the Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, Anything Goes! infomercials on Comedy Central